These days all I really do is wait.

I still think of suicide. There's almost zero chance that I'll off myself anytime soon, but I still think of it. At least the option is there.

Suicide is a selfish act. I don't blame anyone who has done it, and I sympathize with them when they think that they are alone and that their lives don't matter to anyone. But no one is really alone, and killing thyself will hurt those who care about you. Partaking in suicide, therefore, is a cop out--you only make yourself happy, but destroy the lives of the people who love you.

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I have stopped praying. It never does anything, really. The mistake most religious people make about prayer is that they think it is a proactive action, that God will give them anything as long as they pray hard for it. That is not the case.

Everything is predetermined; God is all-knowing and exists through time and space. Therefore, he knows what will happen to any individual at any time. Every life story is already written long before it is started.

Prayer, then, is nothing but a way to see God's will. God's will is whatever your life story leads to. If you really want that car, any amount of prayer asking for that car won't result in you getting it, if it is not in your story, i.e., not in God's will. What you should be praying for instead is to ask God if the car is in your life story.

Prayer is not proactive, but a way to be calm and a way to be ready. Forewarned is forearmed.

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There was a time in my life when I thought I could see what God wills for me, but people who are purportedly closer to him said what I see is wrong. This broke me, and I feel like I've been lied to.

So: I have stopped praying. It never does anything, really. Or maybe it does something, like give you hope that will prove to be false, and will hurt so much it will render you motionless for months.

from Radiohead's Just

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First comes hurt, then comes anger. Burning anger.

I feel betrayed. I feel let down. I feel like the people I have trusted have turned their backs on me. I now see them as hypocrites, people who say the holiest thing and do the opposite.

At this stage, the only thing I watch out for is to not be a hypocrite. I don't hold any pretense that I am a good person, or that I going to church automatically makes me holy. I try to be truthful to myself, and that is the only thing I can do.

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Not being a hypocrite only means this: I don't do or say anything that can be contradictory to my standards or moral code. I don't say I love my work then commit only halfway. I don't say I'm a fitness buff and deliberately miss going to the gym, or break my diet due to a flimsy reason.

More importantly, I don't claim to be a good Christian then be the first to judge people for their actions, however immoral it can be, because they might have committed the act due to reasons beyond their control.

I think it is always unbecoming to judge without knowing all the facts. I'm not that self-righteous bitch who calls the people involved in the latest sex scandal immoral and hell-bound.

Source unknown

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These days all I really do is wait. I'm a hard worker, and I earn money that's rightfully mine through working, but I am not delusional that I can be rich quickly.

So all I can do is wait--wait for my savings to be large enough for me to buy a car, or to get a condo. Or for that raise. Or for that luck to work, in that raffle that's impossible to win. Or wait for that love that I never seek, but may just be lurking around the corner. Or just wait for death.

There are times when I am caught off-guard and start praying. In those moments, the top prayer I say is for God to strike me dead instantly. I'm a coward and I don't want to suffer.

These days all I really do is wait.

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Note: I started writing 80% of this post more than a month ago, and abandoned it because I thought it was too true. I reread it today and I liked the honesty in my voice that I had to publish it.